When Your Partner Cheats On You, This Is What Happens To Your Body

Most people don't think much about infidelity until it happens to them. When it becomes a personal issue, it can take a toll in many ways. There's the obvious breakdown of the relationship, loss of ingrained trust, and disruption to the joyful future you had planned.

According to research, some 20% of married people and 75% of individuals who are dating have either emotional or sexual affairs (per Psychology Today). The study found that those who even felt suspicious that their partner might be cheating reported feeling significantly worse as a result. "When participants reported greater suspicion of a partner's infidelity, they experienced higher suspicion-related distress, depression, physical health symptoms, and risky health behavior." The findings also revealed that women were inclined to experience physical side effects like aches and pains and men more likely to turn to poor coping mechanisms. And, according to Forbes, infidelity is the second most common reason for divorce.

Is it any wonder that it can affect your health in such a profound way? Explains sex therapist Vanessa Marin to Health, "You're going to be devastated when it happens, and that's okay. You have to allow yourself to have those feelings and those reactions because they make sense. But at some point, you also have to recognize that it's much more about your partner than it is about you." It's also important to be mindful of the effects that the betrayal can have on your body, which can help you take proactive steps toward healing.

Discovering that your partner was unfaithful is usually shocking. It can even lead to depression and, sometimes, even grief. Psychotherapist Babita Spinelli tells PsychHealth, "The pain feels like a huge loss — the loss of the person you thought you knew and trusted or the loss of the version of the relationship you had." The associated symptoms of grief can come in waves and stages, just as they might for those coping with the loss of a loved one. Therapist Bonnie Scott adds, "Sometimes [clients] will still feel angry or disappointed or sad, and to cycle through those emotions is totally [typical]."

Grief stages even mirror those linked to mourning a death. Robert Weiss, PhD, LCSW, tells Brides, "In general, getting over infidelity follows the usual stages of grief: shock/denial; anger/defiance; bargaining; depression, remorse; and acceptance." While one person may come to terms with infidelity quickly, another may take years to accept it. There's no right or wrong way, but it is important to find a path to healing. Remaining mired in sadness can significantly affect your quality of life. 

That's why self-care is crucial. Eating well, getting some sun, staying hydrated, and exercising regularly are all important steps that not only nourish and support your mind and body, but also bolster you psychologically. Even if you don't feel it at the moment, there's power in reminding yourself through these gentle steps that you matter and that you are not to blame. 

While post-infidelity stress disorder (PISD) is not a clinical diagnosis, it's a real trauma response that can affect someone who's been betrayed in a relationship. The symptoms are often similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including anxiety, irritability, flashbacks, difficulty focusing, and ruminating over the betrayal. Left unresolved, these symptoms can linger and may affect your quality of life significantly, even making it difficult to have relationships in the future.

It can affect you physically, too. You may have trouble sleeping if you develop PISD, as the emotional impact of the event can make it difficult to rest comfortably. The inconsistency could consequently have an effect on everything from your work to your other relationships to your everyday responsibilities.

Some people are more likely to develop PISD symptoms than others, including those who've experienced previous traumas, have low self-confidence, or are co-dependent on their partners. According to Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, there is hope despite the degree of pain and uncertainty that develops in the aftermath of infidelity. She tells Verywell Health that seeking trauma-focused therapy can be especially beneficial in helping the person improve their self-esteem. In some cases, even family therapy may be effective when the infidelity also affects others in the home. For people with more life-altering symptoms like depression, going on medication (such as an anti-depressant) even temporarily may be useful.

There's no such thing as being too upset about a situation that may well change your life. It can also lead to anxiety, putting you in the uncomfortable position of reliving the moment that you found out and overthinking the betrayal. April Kilduff, LMHC, LPCC, LCPC, a NOCD therapist, tells Treat My OCD, "Your brain is wired to constantly be on the lookout for danger. And being cheated on and having that kind of betrayal can truly feel like a threat that impacts your ability to feel safe."

The anxiety can have as much of a physical effect as emotional, potentially causing anything from heart palpitations and headaches to dizziness and insomnia (per Marriage.com). This is why it's so crucial to recognize these symptoms and seek help. Left to fester, anxiety can wreak havoc on your life in much more significant ways, according to geriatric psychiatrist Dr. Sandra Swantek, MD. She explains to the American Medical Association (AMA), "When untreated, it may progress to depression. Untreated anxiety has also been associated with elevated levels of cardiovascular disease, elevated blood pressure — and other medical conditions."

It's important to acknowledge the circumstance. Self-validation can help you feel more composed and ready to take on the next step. Because you might be triggered by seeing the person or a certain place, it's important to establish boundaries to protect yourself. A counselor can help you develop tools to combat your anxiety, too.

Being cheated on may lead you to seek out comfort elsewhere, and it's not unusual for those sources to harm more than help. It's a normal reaction born of the pain that accompanies the discovery of infidelity. Many blame themselves for the situation, increasing the likelihood that they might "self-treat" in this way.

According to research conducted by the University of Nevada, Reno, that type of blame could have "indirect effects on health-compromising behaviors through mental health (depression, anxiety, and distress)" (via The Independent). M. Rosie Shrout, who led the study, told PsyPost that their findings confirmed the supposition. "They were more likely to eat less or not eat at all, use alcohol or marijuana more often, have sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or over-exercise. Being cheated on seems to not only have mental health consequences, but also increases risky behaviors."

Any type of addiction, be it to food, drugs, alcohol, or exercise, can have long-term detrimental effects. The coping mechanism essentially becomes a crutch that the betrayed individual sees as a substitute for what's missing — and because it's never quite enough, it becomes a continuous presence in their lives. Self-care is vital following a life change like this, but it can be hard to focus on that when it's difficult to make sound decisions. Leaning on others for support and guidance is essential, as is remembering that you are not to blame.

"Broken heart syndrome" sounds like a faux malady, but it's very real. Medically known as takotsubo cardiomyopathy, it can develop when a person undergoes a particularly stressful life event. In response, the heart may significantly weaken, explains Nkechinyere Ijioma, M.B.B.S., a cardiologist at the Mayo Clinic Health System. "Emotional stress can increase the level of stress hormones, such as cortisol, which play a major role in stress-induced heart failure, although it's not known exactly why or how."

Common symptoms, adds cardiologist Dr. Niti Aggarwal, MD, are similar to those of a heart attack. "[c]hest pain is the most common symptom. Other symptoms include shortness of breath, loss of consciousness or fainting, and rapid or irregular heartbeats, or palpitations." Unlike heart attacks, though, broken heart syndrome can affect anyone — even if no coronary artery disease is present. Cardiologist Dr. Sian Harding, MD, tells Newsweek, "Instead, they have this very strange phenomenon where part of the heart is really beating very strongly, but the bottom part of the heart is almost paralyzed."

The good news is that broken heart syndrome is treatable with medication in most cases. However, says Dr. Harding, "[a]bout 5 percent of people will die because of this." Adopting healthy habits may be helpful, like exercising regularly and finding sensible ways to cope with stress. Staying connected with others can also help, as by sharing your feelings you may be able to effectively reduce your stress levels.

Just as being loved delivers a feel-good dopamine hit, the opposite can happen when a person discovers their partner is cheating. Being rejected can lead to symptoms that may even affect brain chemistry. That may not be a big surprise, given that traumatic events can cause symptoms like agitation, confusion, and dissociation, per Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services.

Plus, research shows that those involved in a romantic relationship display brain activity revealing "reward and motivation, emotions, sexual desire and arousal, and social cognition" (via Frontiers). When something happens to disrupt that relationship, the brain appears to react accordingly. Trauma therapist Justina M. Floyd tells Pop Sugar, "An MRI can show regions of the brain being atrophied (shrunken) or enlarged, which would indicate unresolved trauma. However, the good news is that because our brains can be neuroplastic and change due to events, trauma can also be healed. It takes a lot more work to undo the damage, but it is very much possible."

She explains that highly stressful events can cause blood flow to the amygdala to increase and flow to the prefrontal cortex to decrease. The former is like an anxiety control center, while the latter helps you think clearly. Essentially, the anxious brain is better supported during moments of great stress, such as when your partner cheats on you. Holistic psychologist Debi Silber confirms that there's hope, but stresses that the healing process "[m]ust be deliberate and intentional."

Self-esteem can plummet in the wake of a devastating life event. Because infidelity is a betrayal akin to a personal attack, it can cause the person who is affected to question everything from their self-worth to their intelligence. David Klow, a family therapist, tells SELF, "The person who was cheated on usually struggles to know what is real anymore. Their ability to discern what is real gets damaged."

Naturally, this can leave anyone feeling low — and less confident in their abilities. That's on top of the emotional effects that come with low self-esteem. A person may question whether they're good enough or wonder what they did to "cause" the betrayal. They may put themselves down repeatedly or compare themselves to the person with whom their partner had the affair. None of these emotions are healthy, and over time they can influence important mental health factors like self-care and eating well.

Low self-esteem may also take a long-term toll on a person's assertiveness. They may feel that they can't comfortably speak up for themselves anymore, or that they no longer feel that their opinions or presence have value. Some may even avoid social settings, fearing that they aren't good enough to connect with others. Luckily, there are ways to improve self-esteem. Relaxing through yoga or meditation may be a helpful first step, per PsychCentral. Being calm can help you take other rational steps to feeling better about yourself.

The mind-body connection is powerful, something that is very evident during stressful events. Because the mind is hurt as a result of infidelity, that pain can manifest physically and cause anything from a backache to a tension headache. Those physical sensations may result from tense muscles or anxiety, both of which are normal responses to stress. Laurie Hall CPC-S, PSAP, BTRL of the Begin Again Institute explains, "The stronger your trust was in the person, the more impact the betrayal tends to have on you. Your mind and body are connected. Everything that impacts one, effects [sic] the other."

In the midst of chronic stress that often accompanies major life events like this, it can be difficult to determine when one pain ends and another begins. It may feel like a struggle just to get through the day if you're overwhelmed by both physical and emotional symptoms, and the latter may grow worse as your body aches and pains persist. According to Heartfelt Counseling, common signs include discomfort that has no specific cause, changes in weight, and a greater likelihood of contracting colds or flus due to a stressed immune system.

Coming to a point of feeling "well" may take time, but it is possible once a healing journey begins. Seeing a doctor is key, of course, for physical symptoms that are debilitating enough to affect quality of life. At the same time, seeing a therapist can be invaluable for processing emotional symptoms.

While there is more research connecting aches and pains to infidelity, at least one study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships has also found a link between the development of chronic diseases and the breakdown of a marriage due to cheating. The findings were revelatory: Those whose partners cheated were "associated with poorer overall chronic health." External factors, like support systems, were not found to have a positive effect on this outcome.

That said, there's one positive perspective according to the study's author, Vincent Y.S. Oh, who also lectures at the Singapore University of Social Sciences. He tells PsyPost, "The good news is that effect sizes between infidelity and chronic health were in the 'small' range. Such effect sizes do still suggest the potential for lasting harm with practical implications, but at the very least, the effects are not extremely large." He added that there were certain demographics, including ethnicity, education, and income level, that at least partially affected the relationship between the infidelity and chronic disease.

Among the conditions that could possibly develop were migraines and cardiovascular issues (via Indy100). Although further research is needed to more intrinsically link the two, it is known that infidelity can cause physical effects. It's vital to see a doctor if any symptoms develop, no matter how minor. Taking proactive measures can help you feel more in control of your long-term health and wellbeing.

It can be very difficult to resume a "normal" relationship after someone cheats. When a couple remains together after the infidelity, it calls for some serious work from both parties — and sex isn't usually high on the list. Psychotherapist Dr. Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT tells Prevention, "If your partner has cheated on you, even if you are working hard to forgive and rebuild the relationship, sex is often the last piece of the puzzle. You're sorting through all kinds of emotions — depression, anger, betrayal — and that just kills your sexual desire."

This is not only understandable, but also important. If the end goal is to stay together, then it's vital to focus on those other factors that cement the relationship. There is a flip side, though: Some couples find that things heat up in the bedroom post-affair. Kerner says, "Sex can be a powerful way to heal after cheating. It helps make an insecure relationship feel temporarily safe and intimate."

There are steps you can take as a couple to ease your way back to intimacy, like refamiliarizing yourself with touching the person (by holding hands or giving them a hug) to break down the wall that makes sex a challenge initially. Communication is critical, too. Discussing what feels comfortable and even whether the time is right can make all the difference. It's just as important to remember that counselors can help in this arena, too.

If you or someone you know needs help with mental health, please contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741, call the National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), or visit the National Institute of Mental Health website.